


in your house of memories

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-02 05:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8653156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: canon until the crash, then it's all my own doingamnesia AU***And oh, that’s where he looks wrong, his eyes are glazed and clear and curious. His heart drops immediately. “Sorry… Did you just call me baby?” Aaron asks slowly, head cocking to the side with one eyebrow raised. “I don’t even know you.”





	1. lonely moments just get lonelier

**Author's Note:**

> title and chapter titles are from house of memories - panic at the disco
> 
> i'm sorry for the irony/pun/wit 
> 
> enjoy x

“Robert,” Chas breathes as soon as she walks through the door to the family room. “Thank god you’re okay. Where is he? Where’s Aaron?” He tries to crack a smile, but fails. All he can feel, _still_ , hours later, is the icy, bitter feeling of water lapping at his skin. It’s like even his bones are cold, like his organs are still thawing, and there’s just something terrifying and unnerving nibbling at the edge of his mind. He can’t quite work out what it is.

“Don’t know,” he replies, voice a dull monotone. It’s just about all he can offer and even that's a struggle. He glances at Liv, at the tears shining in her eyes, but has to look away again almost instantly. She just looks a bit too much like Aaron, sometimes. “They won’t tell me anything.” The words explode with a bitter taste in his mouth and he’s so worried, but all he was given was _I’m sorry, Mr. Sugden, I cannot divulge that information to someone who’s not family_.

“Nothing?” She spits. He can hear the fury dripping from her voice, the same kind that’s dripping from his bones but he’s way too exhausted to act on it. Right now, he doesn’t care. All he cares about is the steady thrum of _AaronAaronAaron_ coming from his heart. “Wait here. I’m going to have a word.” She growls, and she turns on her heel before marching out of the door. He’s got half a mind to stop her, to tell her it’s not worth it, but then he thinks about how sick he felt when he turned up and couldn’t find his boyfriend. Plus, she’s stubborn, so she wouldn’t listen anyway. She’s definitely her son’s mother in that respect – it’s something Robert admires about her.

Liv moves towards him immediately, hand stretched out like she’s going to touch him and - no, no, _no_! “Don’t,” he snaps – he doesn’t mean to but the heat’s in his words before he can stop it, and he’s shifting backwards, eyes half lidded and teeth gritted at some attempt of self-preservation. 

Vic’s there in an instant, by his side but far enough that he can’t feel her heat. He’s nothing less than grateful. “It’s okay, Liv,” she says gently, and her voice immediately washes over him calmly. He needs her more than he realises. “Come sit with us, yeah?” She leads Liv off to the other side of the room, and he can feel all their eyes on him. _Stop it_ , he pleads in his mind. Please stop. 

“He’s in surgery,” Chas announces to the room, the clickclickclick of her heels against the linoleum floor almost comforting as they match the pounding of his heart. “Shouldn’t be too much longer. Robert… I’m sorry.” She steps forward to hug him then, but it’s too much. If he’s touched, he’ll fall apart at the seams, so he sidesteps her and out of the room.

Once he’s certain the door’s clicked shut behind him, he stands still, takes two breaths and then slouches back against the wall. Everything is startlingly white, blinding him, so closes his eyes, clenches them tight and tries to count the bright spots behind his eyelids. He counts _one, two, three, four_ before they dance away again and he opens them to Adam’s face swimming in his vision, looking concerned and holding a styrofoam cup of tea.

“I know it’s hard,” Adam says in an attempt to be comforting, but Robert can tell he’s clenching his teeth, expecting the worst and wishing for the best. “But he’ll make it. He has to.” There’s hidden words at the end of that sentence; Robert can see them hanging in front of his eyes, big, black jagged letters – _for me_. 

He sucks in a sharp breath suddenly, memories of the past few weeks flashing in front of his eyes. “I’m sorry,” He mutters, cursing everyone from himself to the Lord. “I forgot how… how you must be feeling.” And he’s trying to be better, he is, honestly, but at times like this he finds it hard to focus on anything but Aaron. Well, most of the time really, seeing as how they’re _attached at the hip_ (according to everyone ever). Even when he’s not physically with him, too, he’s constantly thinking about his boyfriend – _how is his day going, what did he have for lunch, I hope he’s not too tired when he gets in, what should I cook for dinner_ – and he knows he’s changed in that respect. He has, even Rebecca had told him so, looking a little put off and jealous with her snappy “I didn’t expect you to be quite so spoken for”, but he didn’t feel guilty, even if he actually took a step back for once and realised the same.

“It’s okay,” Adam says, pressing the cup into Robert’s shaking hands quietly. “It’s all okay.” With that, he disappears back into the family room, and Robert’s staring at the steaming tea like he can’t quite remember what he’s supposed to do with it. He feels like that sometimes, especially when Aaron’s tucked up against his shoulder or flashing a grin at him from across the pub or making him the perfect cuppa without even asking. He feels like without Aaron by his side, he’s just about forgotten everything he’s learned, who he actually is. It would probably be terrifying, if not for the fact that everything with felt so _right_.

He turns then, presses his head against the cool glass window and peeks through the blinds. Chas has her arm wrapped around Liv, and it looks like she’s whispering comforting words into her ear. He does feel guilty, then, and thinks that should be _me_ , but he doesn’t even take a single step. He can’t, and he feels awful, and feels like all those times he promised Aaron he’d take care of Liv are stabbing deep, wide gashes into his sort-of calm façade. But she manages to catch his eye, nodding in a way that says _it’s okay, I understand_ , and he feels marginally better. But his back snaps straight as he sees a man enter the room, a doctor, a surgeon, blue scrubs making his eyes burn.

He marches straight back into the room to catch the words “…Just woken up. Ms. Dingle, he’s asking for you.” Chas stands immediately, eyes glassy and shocked while everyone else looks hopeful. Not Robert, though, no. Why didn’t Aaron call for him first? It was unusual, normally Robert couldn’t spend five minutes without getting his phone pinging, a text from Aaron reading a joke, something silly he’d seen or even a simple heart. 

Chas rushes out of the room, the doctor following behind her and he attempts to smile at Liv, but god, she’s just like her brother and she can see straight through him. “He’ll ask for you,” She says confidently, chin tilted upward like she dares him to argue. “He’ll want to see you. You saved him.” Robert huffs out a laugh at this. Maybe he did save him, maybe, but it was for selfish reasons, you see – he just couldn’t bear the thought of living without him. 

Before he can even reply, though, Chas is back, and he frowns. She looks ashen, colour draining from her still, and one hand’s clasped over her mouth like a vice. “What?” Robert asks quietly. His heart’s beating faster now, panic trying to claw out of his throat. “What’s wrong?” Chas just looks at him, stricken and her eyes look how his mind feels.

“You should…” She trails off, gesturing at the door. And Robert, well, he doesn’t need to be told twice, and before he’s even thought about it the toe of his shoes are touching the wooden door of Aaron’s hospital room, fingertips pressing gently to push it open. He sees another doctor by Aaron’s bedside, clipboard in hand, smiling patiently at him. At least she looks kind.

“Oh, Mr. Sugden,” She says calmly, and god, Robert likes her already. He breathes out a sigh of relief, finally knowing Aaron’s in safe hands. “I was just running a couple of more tests, but I’ll leave you alone for a minute or two.” Her smile all of a sudden turns strained, but she turns to leave without another word.

He finally tears his eyes away from her and goes to sit by Aaron’s bedside, looking him over, worried that something will be off. He’s fine, however, looks it anyway, and Robert can’t help the softness that blurs his features. “I swear, baby,” He murmurs, places his hand on the bed next to Aaron’s, “You’ll be the death of me one day.”

It’s only then that Aaron finally notices he’s in the room, and his blue eyes search Robert’s face. And oh, that’s where he looks wrong, his eyes are glazed and clear and curious. His heart drops immediately. “Sorry… Did you just call me _baby_?” Aaron asks slowly, head cocking to the side with one eyebrow raised. “I don’t even know you.”

Suddenly, there’s a lump in his throat and he thinks he’s going to be sick. He pushes it down, though, swallows around it, and asks, “What are you talking about?” He’s confused, and his chest hurts even more. He thinks he knows what’s happening, but he can’t believe it. Doesn’t want to.

“I thought strangers weren’t allowed to see patients,” Aaron snaps, and Robert rises immediately, mouth quirked downwards. “Can you just get my mum?” He nods slowly, once, twice before the weight of the situation makes him hang his head. 

“Sure.” He offers, and he knows he sounds miserable because he feels it everywhere; buzzing under his skin, running through his veins and settling into his bones. He silently leaves the room, only lifting his head to look at the doctor that’s waiting outside the room and to silently beg her. The apology in her eyes is the only thing he needs to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x


	2. remember me in the same way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back again! two days in a row, you're lucky.  
> enjoy xo

It takes a few days for them to sort everything out, but eventually they’re sitting in the same doctor’s office anxiously. He glances round, white walls, oak furniture, but nothing should be so light and calm when he feels nothing but heavy and dark, like his organs are made of lead and coal. “Psychogenic amnesia,” she says gently, glancing up to make sure no one’s falling apart just yet. Robert almost laughs – he’s been frayed at the seams for days. “It seems he can’t remember anything past 2008.”

Robert closes his eyes. He had known this was coming, just waiting for the day his world came crashing down right before his eyes, but without a confirmation he’d desperately tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. He hadn’t been able to face it then, and he can’t face it now. He knows Aaron had been asking about him to everyone he remembered – Adam, Paddy, Chas, even Cain. But nobody said anything. It was just better that way – he probably hasn’t even realised he’s gay. “What does it _mean_?” He asks desperately when no one else speaks up.

“Well,” The doctor says, bracing herself before pulling out what looks like brain scans of some sort. Robert doesn’t know much about medical stuff, but that’s only because he hasn’t had to. _Until now_. “Judging by these, there’s no visible brain damage. It appears as though his mind simply couldn’t cope with the emotional trauma of the crash, and has just, well, forgotten to remember.” She grimaces at the phrase but pushes on anyway. She’s used to it, Robert supposes, ruining peoples’ lives, telling them their worst nightmares - _no_ , you can’t take this out on her. She’s here to help.

Robert’s breath catches then. He’s panicking, can feel it clawing up his throat like bile, and he has to push through it, the way he pushed through the murky water of the lake. “But will he ever?” The doctor glances at him quizzically, and he knows that Cain and Chas are looking at him strange, wondering why he hasn’t let them get a word in. “Remember, I mean.” He clarifies, glancing upwards briefly. He almost feels like praying, but.

She smiles sadly at him, and it’s supposed to be comforting but it’s the furthest thing right now. “We can’t know for sure,” She says softly. “But in most cases of psychogenic amnesia, the memories return. It could be months, years even.” 

He stands up suddenly, the wooden chair legs scraping against the floor but he hardly hears it. He can’t hear anything over the buzzing of _protecthimprotecthimprotecthim_ running through his mind, and he leaves the room, making his way down the corridor. He doesn’t know where he’s going until he does, fingertips pressed against the cold glass as he watches Aaron joke with the nurses. He already seems so different, so much lighter.

It’s not that Robert hasn’t been to see him, as such. It’s just that he does it at night, when visiting hours are over and he knows everyone will be asleep. He can’t face not seeing him, but he can’t face seeing him either. It’s a struggle, a struggle to get through the boring day-to-day life he leads, a struggle to talk to Liv when she just looks _so much_ like Aaron, a struggle to walk to the shop when everyone’s giving him sympathetic glances, a struggle to sit down for dinner with the Dingles. It’s a struggle because there’s no Aaron, no one to clutch his hand under the table or to elbow him playfully when they’re walking or to hold at night. He misses it more than he thought he would.

Aaron looks up then, as if he can read Robert’s mind, and well, it wouldn’t be surprising if he could. Neither of them can look away: four beats, then another four, solid eye contact and a magnet in Robert’s chest trying to drag him closer. Aaron raises his eyebrows then and it’s a challenge, but fuck, it’s so familiar. That cockiness he doesn’t get often, usually accompanied by a snappy _bite me_ and usually, Robert does. But this time, he finally, finally lets the electric attraction pull him through the door to Aaron’s bedside. It’s awkward in the room, neither of them knowing what to say first.

“So you’re Robert?” Aaron asks, cocking his head as he takes him in. “You invested in my business.” 

Robert almost laughs then, wants to tell him how it all runs a million times deeper than that but he can’t. It’d be confusing to say the least and it would hurt Aaron. In his mind, he hasn’t come out yet. The last thing he wants to do is push him away. “Guess I did.” He replies instead, biting his tongue to stop the prickling behind his eyes but painting on a cheeky smile anyway.

“No one will tell me anything about you,” Aaron says ever so casually. He speaks in a way that he didn’t before, like he’s lighter, no baggage on his shouolders. “Must be bad.” It’s meant to be a joke but it feels like Robert’s been stabbed, and the pain spikes all up the left side of his body. When he doesn’t reply for a moment too long, Aaron speaks again. “I remember you, from before. From Andy and Katie’s wedding. You were a dick.”

And it’s then that Robert has to laugh. “That was a long time ago,” he sighs. “To me, at least. I was a dick. But I’m not, not anymore. I hope.” He wants to tell Aaron that he’s changed, all for him, all so they could be together and be happy. He wants to tell him he changed to be what Aaron wanted, what he needed, but instead he leans further back into his chair and waits.

“Everyone said you saved me, that you pulled me out of the lake. Everyone says you saved my life,” He says quietly, picking at a thread on the blue hospital blanket. “So you can’t be all bad. Thank you,” He lifts his eyes then, and stares right at Robert, right through him, right into his soul. And then he speaks for the sake of speaking. “I can’t remember anything, but of course, you know that.”

“Yeah, I do,” Robert says quietly. “You’re different. I mean, I didn’t know you when you were younger, but… You’re more outspoken. It’s nice, but…” The _it’s not you_ goes unspoken and he almost feels bad, but he knows that he gets to feel terrible too. He’s lost the man he loves. Chas has told him countless times in a bid to be comforting, but it just makes the nightmares worse.

“Maybe…” Aaron starts, then falters off. There’s this look in his eyes, one that Robert _actually_ recognises, and he braces himself. He’s seen it too many times before, when Aaron’s feeling unsure or nervous or worthless. He knows he’s put the look there a few times, too. “Maybe we could get to know each other again?”

Robert smiles briefly. “I’d like that,” He glances out the window, at Chas staring at them with tears in her eyes. “I’d better go. Your mum’s here.” He hates that, how Chas looks at him like he’s fragile, like he’s going to break – mostly because he knows he will at some point. Because he hasn’t cried, he hasn’t mourned, but really, he doesn’t feel like he has the right to. People died in that crash, and Aaron’s still alive, isn’t he?


	3. i was too young to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy xo

“He’s home today, you know.” Victoria says casually, but Robert knows she’s pushing him, prodding and pulling at the stitches and scars that sit on his heart. He knows she’s doing what she thinks is best, because he’s just pushing everyone away now. All he wants is Aaron, _his_ Aaron. But.

“I know.” He replies shortly, setting down the cup of tea Vic gave him. “I’m not going over, it’s too soon.” He’s been avoiding the pub like the plague, living in the same three shirts and two pairs of trousers he keeps at Victoria and Adam’s, and he knows he should probably go back but the thought of that room… _their_ room. Robert supresses a shudder before he can get himself worked up, and stands.

“He’s still Aaron,” His sister says. “He’s still the man you love, just younger.” 

“But he’s not, is he?” He finally snaps, and it feels good to finally get it out. “I didn’t even know him then! He’s not the man I know! He’s just a boy.” He roughly claws at the tears falling from his eyes, not wanting to do this in front of Vic. He doesn’t want her pity. 

“Chas says he wants to see you. He’s still asking.” 

“Fuck! Vic, can’t you just leave it alone? Can’t you see it hurts?” It feels like the scar on his chest has been ripped open, and some fucking demon is squeezing at his heart. It’s inescapable, constant, crippling. He takes a deep breath before he continues. “I want to see him, but it’s real if I do. It can’t be real.”

Victoria clearly thinks that tough love is the best approach, but all it does is tear at Robert’s skin, making him raw and open. “Rob, it is real. This is your life, and after everything you’ve been through to be together, I know you can get through this!” The emotion is finally showing in her voice, and she sounds just as desperate as Robert feels. It’s almost comforting, knowing there’s someone who feels almost as bad as him.

“I just want to deny it a bit longer. Why can’t you let it be?”

+++

In the end, Robert cracks. The few minutes it takes to get to the pub drag longer than they should with the way he shuffles his feet against the pavement. He’s drawing it out, he knows, and he can hear his mother’s voice in his head explaining something about plasters and ripping them off faster. But he can’t take this approach, it’s not like he can just dive head first into trying to get his Aaron back. He needs to take it slow, but it’s so hard, and it seems impossible.

“Hiya, love,” Chas’ voice is a comfort somehow, despite everything they’ve been through, the mutual hatred. She’s standing at the back door of the pub with a mug of steaming coffee wrapped between her hands. “He’s upstairs. Trying to jog his memory.”

Those words make him snap out of his hole of self-pity, and he jolts out a laugh. “What memory?” His pathetic attempt of humour is met with nothing but a strained smile and he sighs. “I’m sorry. That was bad… I just-“ 

“If you don’t laugh you’ll cry,” Chas finishes for him, and he really takes her in then. She’s got dark bags under her eyes like she hasn’t had a decent sleep in a decade, the skin looking bruised and sallow. Her hair is matted, plastered against her skin, and, well. Well, well, well. He finally realises he’s not alone. “We’re in this together, Robert. We both love him more than anything. We will get through this.” She sounds determined, and, god, he needs it. He knows he needs to believe, but it’s just so hard after his long nights of self-indulgent research. He knows that the majority of patients with psychogenic amnesia recover, but him and Aaron have always been a minority, haven’t they?

“Is it okay if I go up? I’d like to see him.” He says softly, rocking on the balls of his feet. The anticipation is circling in the pit of his stomach, like something will have changed in the forty-eight hours since he last saw Aaron. He knows it hasn’t, he knows Chas would have told him but really, you can’t blame a man for trying.

“This is your home too, love. You’re always welcome,” Chas says. There’s a smile hidden somewhere in her voice, like she can’t believe Robert is actually _asking permission_. He knows he has changed. He also knows why. 

“Thank you.” He doesn’t have to be told twice, that magnet in his chest finally pulling him towards Aaron, taking the stairs two at a time. He has the sense to knock at least, once, twice, three times, and plasters a soft grin on his face for when Aaron opens the door. “Hi, mind if I come in?”

The younger man pulls the door open wider, and when Robert steps into the room, he can see the bed entirely covered with photo albums. It’s a sad sight, but he pushes down the feelings of loss. “I’m just… Trying to get something to click,” Aaron sighs. “It’s not working.”

“Worth a try though, right?” Robert tries to sound cheerful, he really does, but it must fall flat because Aaron looks at him with doubt blooming on his features. 

“You and me, we know each other pretty well, right?” Robert snorts internally, thinks _something like that, yeah_ but he just nods. “I know- Obviously, Liv, she must have found me, right? What happened to… to my dad?” He can see the hesitance and hurt flash through Aaron’s eyes, and sometimes he’s so glad Aaron’s so expressive. Then again, by this point, he probably wouldn’t need to be. 

Robert takes a deep breath, steels himself. “He passed away, Aaron. Earlier this year.” At Aaron’s inquisitive glance, he shakes his head. “Not yet. You don’t need this yet.” He doesn’t want to tell Aaron about everything they went through, how brave he was, how Robert fucked up once again. Sometimes it’s too raw even for him to even think about, so telling Aaron…

“Okay,” Aaron says with a sense of finality. “I’m glad she’s here, though.” So is Robert. It’s not like he doesn’t see Liv, not like he doesn’t meet her for coffee every day after she finishes school, but it’s different. He misses their little dysfunctional family unit more than anything, misses how Aaron acts around her, easy and sarcastic and making Robert fall in love a little bit more each day.

“She’s pretty great,” Robert confesses. “Don’t tell her I said that, though.” Aaron appears confused again, and Robert knows he’s said too much so he changes the subject quickly. “Bringing anything back?” He gestures to the nearest photo album, open on a picture of him and Paddy, Leo in his arms. He looks happy, and it’s a shame it’s a rarity. 

“Not a single thing,” Aaron puffs out a laugh. “It’s weird though. All these… They’re documenting me growing up, growing older. But I don’t remember anything. In here,” he gestures to his head. “I’m still sixteen. But on the outside, I’m a man with a business and a family and… everything a twenty four year old should have.”

“You will remember.” Robert says convincingly. “You have to.” He peers up at Aaron through his lashes, and Aaron’s gaze is dark for a moment before he snaps out of it. Robert almost chuckles, remembering all the times that he didn’t _have_ to shake himself out of it.

“In the hospital, you called me baby,” Aaron says suddenly, frowning. There’s a deep line in between his eyebrows, and Robert’s hand aches to reach out and smooth the line away. “Are you gay or something? I don’t have a problem.” The last words are spoken quickly, with a sense of curiousity. 

“Or something,” Robert admits. “I’m bisexual. Was married to a woman a year or so ago. Didn’t end well.” He flashes an uneasy grin, but he says nothing else. They had a _Dingle Family Meeting_ (capitals and all, and god, that feels weird to say) where they’d all unanimously confirmed that Aaron should once again come to his sexuality on his own terms, and that the affair was off limits entirely. For once, Robert had to agree. It was too fucked up to explain.

“Oh,” Aaron raises his eyebrows, and Robert can almost see the wheels turning in his mind. “Why me, then? I’m straight.” He almost rolls his eyes, but then he goes back to the time when _he_ was adamant he was straight. It was tough, but he got through it. Just like he knows Aaron will.

“Call it a Freudian slip.” Robert says easily, finally, actually grinning for the first time since the accident. He’s learnt all about Freud during the counselling sessions the hospital had kindly forced him to go to: _It’s hard for you, too, Mr. Sugden, you should seriously consider it, by the way, we’ve made an appointment for you for next week_.

“Sure, whatever you want.” Aaron sounds dismissive and he doesn’t press it further, and Robert’s beyond grateful. “I don’t know… If you want to go into town for dinner tonight? I love my mum and everythin’, but she’s a bit overbearing. I think I need a break.”

“That’d be nice.” Robert smiles, feeling his heartstrings pulling painfully. _A date_ , his mind supplies before he manages to shut it down. It’s not a date. Aaron doesn’t even know his own personality right now, let alone Robert’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x


	4. soft hearts, electric souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter four!!! a lot of this was prewritten but real life is (unfortunately) taking over right now, and i have a million things to do over the next couple of weeks so the next few chapters might be a bit slow. sorry!! 
> 
> enjoy this x x

Chas accosts him as he’s making his way into the back room later that evening, standing close to him, a hand on his arm. “You’re taking him for dinner?” She asks, eyes flitting around his face. He feels like she’s looking for something bad, for some ulterior motive but he knows she’s just checking that he’s okay.

“He asked. When could I ever say no to him?” Robert cracks another genuine smile, because today has actually made things easier. He’s managing to face up to it, at least. And he’s taking Aaron out for dinner. It’s like almost all of his prayers have been answered.

“You’d better go get him, then. God knows he’s spent two hours trying to look perfect.” And while that statement is heart-warming, it also hurts. He knows that Aaron should know that he doesn’t care what he looks like, but he doesn’t, doesn’t really remember Robert, let alone what he thinks. Robert forces himself to put one foot in front of the other, over the threshold and into the back room.

“Hey,” he says without looking as he hears Aaron’s footsteps on the stairs. Then he finally looks up, at Aaron standing on that _one god damn step_ they spent hours and hours kissing on, raw lips and bruised hips like he remembers, like he knows what it means and- “Hey.” He breathes out again, slightly in disbelief at how fucking _good_ the younger man looks, but he catches himself before he says anything.

Aaron’s blushing anyway, like he knows what Robert’s thinking, like he knows what Robert what he wants to do him. That was probably the whole point. He tugs the bottom of his suit jacket nervously. “Shall we go, then?”

So Robert drives them to this Italian place in Hotten that he knows is (was) Aaron’s favourite, and it’s decidedly easy. They talk and laugh and relax for close to two hours, until Aaron’s piping up with “I wanna show you this bar I know, okay?” And Robert doesn’t know what’s going on until he does, until they’re on the main street that Bar West sits on.

Aaron’s eyes are flying all around when he steps inside, like he can’t believe he’s finally in a place that will _accept him_. “Pint?” Robert asks, hand on his arm as he steers them to a table.

“Thanks.” Aaron replies, still unable to draw his eyes from all around him. As Robert brings their drinks back to the table, he smiles, just a small quirk on his lips, but it’s the kind of smile that pronounces the lines around his eyes and _god_ , Robert’s in way too deep. “I, erm. I brought you here because I need to tell you something.” Aaron glances down, tracing patterns into the condensation on the side of his glass, and Robert has to physically stop himself from doing something stupid, like grabbing his hand, or, you know, kissing him. There’s a short pause before Aaron continues, and it’s hesitance and fear but finally, steely determination. “I’m gay.”

“I know,” Robert replies easily. The relief on Aaron’s face makes him smile, and he presses his tongue to the inside of his cheek. “I’m told the last time you did this, it took you two years to come out. Doing a lot better this time round.”

“You knew and you didn’t tell me?” Aaron asks. It’s not accusation in his voice, but humour, and the sound of it makes Robert breathe a little easier. He’s missed this, missed Aaron, and as nice as this is, it’s not the same. But maybe… Maybe he could learn to love this Aaron.

“So why’d you tell me?” He challenges instead. “Why not your mum or Paddy?” He doesn’t know the answer, doesn’t know if he wants to but he lets Aaron answer all the same.

“Because,” Aaron starts, then stops again, like he’s struggling to find the words. “Because when I’m with you, I feel something. I feel it in here,” He gestures to his heart, and Robert finds himself frozen, and his lungs are the only things moving. It’s like the rest of him has shut down. “It’s like this… this pull. I feel safe. It’s stronger than me, and I don’t understand it, not really. But I know it was from before. And I think it’s because I loved you.”

Robert gapes for a minute, mouth opening and closing. He’s lost for words, probably for the first time in his life. But what Aaron’s just said, it means it’s real. The bond between them, it was strong enough to get through something as small as amnesia. “Okay.” He breathes finally, not trusting himself to say anything else.

“There was something between us, right?” Aaron asks tentatively, and Robert feels a little bit like he’s picking at stitches. “Maybe there still is.”

All Robert wants to do is scream _yes, always, us, together_ , but he just presses his lips into a thin line. “No, Aaron,” He says gently. “We were never anything but friends.” These words make him flash back to last year, _worthless_ and _failure_ and _nothing_ stabbing him in the heart all over again. He knows it’s what he has to do, but it hurts and he can feel the pinpricks behind his eyelids.

Aaron’s mouth twists downwards sharply and fuck, Robert hates that look on his face. “Okay. If you say so. Can we go home, please?” He shifts uncomfortably before meeting Robert’s eyes. “I’d like to go home.” Robert just nods once, standing up and thinking, _what the fuck have I done_?

+++

“So what have you done this time?” Cain’s the first one to break the silence, and he’s looking at Robert with that hard, defiant looking his eyes. It pretty much screams _hurt him and I’ll kill you_ and he’s seen it before, but this time Robert finds himself shrinking under it.

“Nothing!” He says defensively, and he knows that being defensive is going to make it worse, but why does no one ever believe him? And then he thinks back to the two years he’s been back in the village, and oh, right. “I haven’t done anything.”

“Then why’s he sitting in his room with his face like a smacked arse?” Liv chirps up suddenly, ignoring Chas’ protests about _language, Olivia, you’re fifteen_! 

Robert shoots a look at her, “isn’t it past your bed time?” passing through his lips before he can even think about it. It’s too easy, just like it was before, their strange sort of bond still glowing between them as she stands up and heads to the back room of the pub with a grumble that they all know is just for show.

“Spit it out then!” Lisa breathes quickly, and Robert looks around him, at the entire Dingle family squished into a small booth in the empty pub. Family meetings with the Dingles? He never thought he’d be here.

“So, we went out for dinner,” He starts, and from the corner of his eye he can see Chas shoot a look at her brother, telling him to not say anything. He’s grateful, and he lets her know by nudging her foot under the table. If he were stopped, he probably wouldn’t be able to carry on. “And then he took me Bar West, out of nowhere. And he… He told me he’s gay. He just came out with it.”

Chas looks affronted suddenly, and it makes Robert wince. It does sound bad, now that he thinks of it, why Aaron had told _him_ with not even a word to his actual family. “Why didn’t he tell me? I’ve been trying to work him up to it!” She cries.

It’s then that he decides to keep Aaron’s feelings to himself. He needs that, needs to hold onto something so he can pretend there’s still hope, that he man he loves is still underneath that new scent Aaron seems to carry. “He asked if there was anything between us, before,” he says suddenly. He can’t keep that from them – it’s the reason he’d called them all. “I said no. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and… I don’t know if I can keep it up.” He looks down at the glass in his fist, remembering the taste of the whiskey on Aaron’s tongue and- and he stops himself before he can go any further. 

“Then stay away from him.” Cain says warningly, and Robert’s head snaps up.

“You’re joking, right?” He laughs humourlessly. “When have I ever been able to stay away from him?” The entire clan looks uncomfortable for a minute, the same memories floating through their minds, memories of the affair. He lowers his voice and hopes he sounds dangerous instead of sad. “I love him, Cain. Amnesia or not, he’s still Aaron, and I’d have loved him at any point in time. I can’t change that, and it’s not like I can just _leave him_.”

Zak actually speaks then, instead of watching the entire situation unfold. _Coward_. “Well it’s not like you haven’t done it before, is it?” His voice is gruff and gravelly, in a way that has Robert clenching his hands into fists, nails creating deep crescent grooves in his palm.

“Okay, stop!” Chas shouts, actually shouts. It makes Robert flinch, and he hangs his head in shame. “You _all_ know that Rob has saved our boy so many times! He cares about Aaron, he loves him, and I’m damn certain that Aaron feels the same.”

It’s nice to have someone on side for once, he thinks. Usually it’s only Vic fighting his corner, but an actual Dingle? He’s blessed. “I know none of you like me,” He says. He feels defeated, every cell of his body sagging with the weight of it. “But I want to do what’s best for Aaron. The same as all of you. So I won’t say anything. But don’t expect me to stay away from him,” He shoots a glance at Cain. “I could never do that.”

+++

“Hi,” A familiar voice makes Robert look up from his paperwork. “I thought I’d find you here. Well, my mum told me you would be.” Aaron flashes a grin and closes the door behind him, and Robert can actually see his breath in front of him. He should talk to Adam about getting a heater for this cabin. One of them will catch their death.

“How are you?” He asks softly, eyes running up and down Aaron’s body even though he knows none of the damage is actually visible. 

“I’m good, better,” Aaron says before tentatively taking a seat in the chair on the other side of Robert’s desk. “I just wanted to apologise. For the other day, I was out of order. I know this must be hard for you, too. Seeing as we’re mates and all.” He flashes a cheeky grin and all Robert wants to do is kiss him breathless, until they’re both panting with dark, dark eyes.

“It’s okay. I get it. Did you tell your mum?” He asks, finally putting the pen down and watching Aaron closely. He doesn’t want him to revert back to that closed off version he saw in Bar West, so he acts carefully. It’s like trying not to scare off a wild animal.

“Seems I didn’t need to. _Someone_ already told her,” Aaron rolls his eyes to punctuate his sarcasm before his face turns serious again. “But thank you. It was a lot easier. I know everyone already knows, but for me, it’s the first time all over again, you know? I feel like I’m still coming to terms with it.”

“That’s because you are,” Robert stresses, leaning further over the desk. “You’re allowed to feel scared. Didn’t your counsellor tell you that? Mine did.” He puts on a crooked grin, pretends his insides don’t feel like they’re rotting and that his mind isn’t racing.

“Whatever,” Aaron huffs, but there’s no venom. “Let’s have lunch, okay? Call it me apologising.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x


	5. heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am FULLY AWARE it has been 366 days, but this is who i am. you wouldn't love me if i wasn't a piece of shit.
> 
> i'm sorry it took so long, but it's happening (again)!!!! 
> 
> i hope this was worth the wait! happy reading xo

“So, you and Aaron have been spending a lot of time together lately.” Liv says accusingly, one eyebrow perfectly arched in a way Robert knows she stole from him. 

He raises both of his back, and says, “What about it?” 

“Nothin’.” Liv says curiously. “Just, it’s nice. He’s happier than he’s been since the crash. Looks good on him.” It’s true, he knows this. They’ve been spending almost every day together, with Robert showing Aaron the ropes at the scrapyard and filling him in on all the village gossip he’d forgotten over a drink. 

“Okay,” He says slowly. “You’re really turning into a true villager, aren’t you? You’ll be giving Brenda a run for her money next.”

Liv sneers at him but takes a sip of her hot chocolate, and Robert knows she’s smiling under the cup. “Is it not like, a new start? Like, you can wipe the slate clean, forget everything you went through and just fall in love all over again.”

“In some ways,” He says honestly. “In some ways, it’s incredible, that he doesn’t know how much I hurt him. But that’s what made us what we are. It made us strong. And I still know what I did, don’t I?”

“Deep.” Liv snorts, and Robert rolls his eyes. 

“When did I decide that telling a fifteen year old how I feel was a good idea?” He grumbles, but nudges her knuckles with his nonetheless. She’s finding this hard, he knows, has had phone calls from her school about her grades slipping and running out of lessons randomly, but she’s not doing it on purpose. In fact, she’s been going to every lesson, not skiving, never late. She doesn’t want to add to anyone’s stress. This tiny bit of normality, it’s the least he can give her.

“Seriously, though,” Liv says, her voice quieter now. “Keep it up. He needs you. And I think it proves than you’d have been together in every situation.” All Robert can concentrate on is the speed of his heartbeat.

+++

“Drink tonight?” Robert asks, eyes raking Aaron’s face. It’s getting easier each day, his insides feeling less like they’re being squeezed tight, and he’s finally starting to breathe again. Aaron just snorts and raises an eyebrow, knocking the rims of their glasses together as if to say _what are we doing now, idiot?_ “I mean,” Robert clarifies. “In town somewhere. In Hotten, I’ll call us a cab for seven, okay?”

“Sounds perfect.” Aaron smiles, all teeth bared. Robert loves that smile, loves the way it makes Aaron’s eyes glint and shine, and he loves the fact it’s all his. He tries to think back, and he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Aaron smile like that at anyone else. 

“Better dress up, then,” Robert says, bordering on flirty. He doesn’t mean to, but it’s so simple for him, especially when faced with Aaron. He might not be the same person, sure, but this version of him is like the preliminary man. Besides, Robert thinks he could always fall in love with him – they’re soulmates, as cliché as that sounds. “You should know by now I don’t do things in halves.”

“Things like dates?” Aaron asks cautiously, as if he’s tasting the words on his tongue. Robert’s heart stops for a moment, skipping one beat, two, three, before it’s squeezing painfully and suddenly racing at triple the speed. It almost feels like that time he got shot, except good, better, fucking incredible.

“Things like dates,” Robert confirms, just about daring to look up. Aaron’s staring right back at him, bottom lip drawn between his teeth and, god, he just looks so _normal_ sometimes that Robert forgets. “Another?” He asks, nodding towards Aaron’s almost empty glass.

“Sure.” Aaron grins, and Robert gets up. His knees feel like jelly, like he could collapse at any minute but he forces himself forward then leans against the bar as soon as he can.

“Another round?” Charity asks, eyes flashing towards the table where Aaron’s now sitting, eyes glued to his phone. She looks back at him and she practically has a giant question mark written all over her face, the village bitch, the village gossip, but he hardens his expression, comparing her to Medusa, frozen to stone when she looks a man in the eye. It helps, actually, and he feels less like he’s going to scream it out from the rooftops.

“Yep,” He nods. “And can you get Chas, please?” He tries to convey his tone as bored, like this is nothing, but he wants to find Vic and tell her and jump and cry with joy. It’s so stupid, a _date_ , nothing they haven’t done before but this is progress. 

“What is it, love?” Chas asks the minute she steps through to the bar. “Is everything okay? Has he remembered something?” Her words sound rushed but excited and for a minute, Robert feels guilty for getting her worked up. He pushes it down though, to the back of his mind inside a little box that he only opens up at night, when he’s alone and is brave enough to think about it.

“We’re going on a date tonight,” He whispers, and he can feel the grin slowly take over his face as he locks their eyes together. “Does this mean I’m his first date?” He can feel the fire blazing in his lungs, making it difficult to breathe but it feels so _good_. It makes him feel alive.

“If that’s what helps you sleep at night,” She sniggers, but there’s no venom in her voice. Instead, she sounds happy, the happiest she’s sounded for weeks, and it makes Robert feel lighter. “I’m gonna warn you though,” She says casually, holding out her hand as Charity finally brings the drinks over. “If you hurt my baby boy, I’ll murder you and chop up your body so they never find the pieces. Understood?” A wide, easy grin accompanies her words, and Robert laughs, dropping the coins into her hand.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” He breathes softly. “No, this time, I’m going to do it right. This – This is like losing him, you know?” It’s rare that he’s this honest, especially about Aaron and his situation, but right now it feels like the bricks have finally been untied from his feet and he’s floating to the surface. “I lost him, and now I have another chance with him and I will never fuck it up again.”

+++

The news spreads like wildfire. Not that Robert expects any less, given the size and closeness of the entire Dingle clan. Lisa approaches him on the street as he’s on his way to meet Liv at the café. “Oh, Robert!” She coos, and he fears the older woman is approximately four point three seconds away from pinching his cheeks. “I’m so happy for you! I really hope you work things out.” And before she can flutter her eyelashes anymore, he’s mumbling thank you and sidestepping round her.

Liv’s sitting outside the café with two mugs on the table when he finally manages to get there, Robert’s usual Americano steaming into the cold air. “Was that about your date?” She asks, a careful casualness to her tone. It’s not usually there, and Robert narrows his eyes. “Noah text me,” She offers, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. “Charity told him.”

“Does everyone know?” He rolls his eyes, thinking of all the gossiping that’s been going on in the short four hours since he’s been at work. “I only told Chas.”

“Exactly,” Liv says, giving him a pointed look. “You only told Chas.” And she’s right, he knows it, but he’s just too excited to _actually_ care. “It’s different this time round, innit?” She asks.

“Well,” He starts, but then he stops himself. He’s won’t tell her the whole story. “Well, I was engaged when we first, you know. And it wasn’t easy. Why would it be for us? So this is a new thing. Dates and flirting. It just kind of happened before.” He looks at her then, really looks, with the sleeves of her hoodie pulled down over her hands and her hair brushed back into her normal ponytail and he realises why he can talk to her so easy. In that second, she’s the exact picture of Aaron, and he feels nothing but love for her.

It’s like she reads his mind when she says, “I miss it, you know.” She’s not looking at him, determinedly staring at the silver table top but he can imagine the look in her eyes. “I miss how we were before. A family. My family.” She does glance up then, and Robert has to stop himself from crying a tiny bit.

“I miss it too, Liv,” He says gently, placing a hand on her wrist. “I miss my family too. But we’ll get there, okay? Even if he doesn’t… Even if he doesn’t remember anything, we’re still a family, and we both still love you.” And at that point, he shuts the conversation down.

They’ll never talk about it again, but Robert will always remember it – especially the way Liv whispers “I love you too,” but then the words are gone with the wind so fast he’s not sure he even heard her right.

+++

“Hey,” Robert breathes as he walks through the back room of the pub. He feels light, lighter than he has in weeks and months and _years_ , really, and all he wants to do is go on a romantic date with his perfect (sort of) boyfriend and maybe kiss him at the end of the night. He wonders if that’s too much to ask, especially when he sees Aaron sitting on the sofa, back hunched and elbows resting on his knees. “Everything okay?”

“No,” Aaron says. His voice is hard and forceful, in a way Robert hasn’t heard since- well, before. He glances up and his eyes are furious, dark disappointment. “Why have you been _lying_ to me? All of you.” 

_Fuck_ , is the only thing Robert thinks. _He knows_. “What are you on about?” He asks instead, keeping his face and voice carefully neutral. He curls his fingers into a fist, digs his nails into his palm to stop himself from blurting it all out.

“I spoke to Chrissie!” Aaron explodes, standing up so fast he knocks the coffee table out of the way. He approaches Robert in two large strides, and for a second, the older man’s mind flashes back to stories of young Aaron, volatile and violent. “She told me everything.”

Robert resists taking a step back, resists the flinch that travels through his body. “Oh,” is all he can say, quiet and shocked. 

But then Aaron sags, with sadness and exhaustion, all the fight leaving his bones. He sits at the dining table and then kicks at the chair opposite – an invitation. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” He asks, sounding desperate and on the verge of begging. He bites at the skin around his nails.

And Robert – Robert is many things, but strong is not one of them. He takes Aaron’s hand in his, runs his fingers over Aaron’s to soothe the skin, and doesn’t let go. “It was difficult, Aaron,” He says, quiet staring at their hands on the table. “Your head was already mashed from the accident, you weren’t even out. And if I’d have told you everything that happened, would you even still be here?” 

Aaron drops his eyes, stares at their hands as his teeth worry his lower lip. “Probably not,” He admits softly, but there’s a smile on his face. “You sounded like a right psycho, though.”

“You’re the one that fell in love with me,” Robert shoots back easily. Aaron’s silent for a minute, and Robert’s terrified he’s overstepped the mark, but then a blinding smile spreads and-

“Yeah,” Aaron admits, fingers curling around Robert’s even tighter. “I did.” 

“So…” Robert says, voice soft and low. He nudges the toe of his shoes against Aaron’s shin, and takes a deep breath. “Can we keep talking about this over a drink?” 

Aaron makes a show of rolling his eyes. “Go on then,” He agrees, but the words come easily, and he doesn’t mind at all.

+++

“I had a good night,” Aaron says quietly. He’s smiling, small and secretive, breath coming out in white clouds as he sways towards Robert. There’s a blush on his cheeks and his hair is breaking out of the gel, but he looks _happy_. That’s all Robert could ever ask for.

“Me too,” The older man replies, risking a step closer. Chas’ bedroom light is on and it’s highly probable that she’s watching them from her window, but neither of them seems to mind. Robert certainly doesn’t. “We can go for dinner next time.” 

Aaron laughs, short and breathless. “There’s going to be a next time, is there?” He teases, nose scrunched up and tongue poking out of the side of his mouth. 

“Only if you want,” Robert says smoothly, but what he means is _of course I want to_ , because he can still read Aaron. He doesn’t remember anything, doesn’t know much about his life – but he’s still _Aaron_ , and that’s what matters.

“Sounds good,” The younger man says shyly, eyes dipping to glance at Robert’s lips.

And that hasn’t changed, not one bit, so Robert takes another step closer and fits his palm around the curve of Aaron’s jaw. He feels the same, the rough grain of his beard against Robert’s skin, but his eyes are tentative and hopeful. 

He leans forward, slowly, rests their foreheads together and waits for a confirmation. He gets it when Aaron’s eyelids flutter shut, dark eyelashes fanned against the flush of his cheeks, so he tilts the younger man’s face up and presses their lips together.

The kiss, it’s soft – chaste and barely more than a breath, but then Aaron’s fingers curl into the front of his leather jacket and tug him closer. He kisses him again, opens up the seam of Aaron’s mouth with his tongue and then brushes it into his mouth.

When their tongues touch, it’s like the films – fireworks, gold and red and behind his eyelids – but it _more_ than that too. It’s Aaron, the taste of coffee and peppermint on his tongue, it’s the way he always kisses but the way he seems shy to do so.

It’s perfect, as far as second first kisses go.

Robert pulls away with a smile and traces his fingertips over Aaron’s face, over the look of awe that’s sitting there. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” He whispers, and kisses him one last time, soft and gentle, on the forehead.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x


End file.
